Flowers on the Fence Interviews I. B. Nosey!

Hey y’all!  Welcome back to Flowers on the Fence Country!  And do I have a special flower for y’all or WHAT  today?  Remember about a month or so ago, I took a trip over to Gumdrop Island and met that ‘official unofficial reporter’, I. B. Nosey?  Who was really nosy, by the way…anyhow, turn-around is fair play, I think, so I asked him if he’d like to come over and ….  Oh!  Excuse me, please.  Somebody’s knocking on the door.  Well, actually, it sounds more like somebody’s beating it down, y’all hear that?

(Gail crosses to door and opens) 

Well, Nosey!  You’re early!  Hey folks, look who’s here, and early too! What?  Whatcha’ mean close the door quick?  Why? 

Nosey: Help! Help me, Gail! Please, please, please! (falls to knees in pleading position with clasped hands extended towards Gail) I’m being chased by something awful! Something horrible! Something terrifying! Something psychotic! Something— 

Gail:  You’re being chased by a psychotic what? 

Nosey: (gulps) A woman! Yes, Gail, a raving lunatic woman, I tell ya. You’ve gotta help me. I don’t know why this crazy attorney wants my hide --well, other than the fact that it’s incredibly handsome, of course, but— 

Gail:  So an attorney’s after you why? 

Nosey: Uh…the reason sorta escapes me, as I was busy trying to escape from her, you know. But when she flashed that business card, and I saw her name, then it hit me. I need help, and I need it fast. You’re a legal expert. Right? 

Gail:  (Sigh)  Story of my life.  Folks find out you work for lawyers, you’re the ready source of answers for all questions legal!  That’s not enough to work with, honey.  Tell me the whole thing from the git-go? 

Nosey: Okay. Well…(slowly straightens to full height) Let’s see…she mentioned something about a petunia, and a bad box of chocolates. I heard the words, ‘it destroyed her DNA’. I managed to ask what that meant and she screamed, ‘Do Not Aromatize’. Any clue to what she was saying, Gail? 

Gail:  (Longer sigh)  Okay.  I have to call in the bigger guns on this.  You sit right here – you want some ice tea?  

Nosey: I think I can really use something stronger. 

Gail:  Coffee? 

Nosey: You kidding? That’s all you have to offer a guy who’s run a five-mile marathon from the mad clutches of a nit-wit lawyer? 

Gail:  Well, you don’t need to be rude about it, you’re in the country, remember.  We’d offer a burglar a glass of ice tea!  After we’ve filled ‘em with buckshot, of course.  And this is a G-rated site, I don’t have anything stronger!  Okay, you sit right there and let me go see if I can get with one of my attorneys, this is uncharted territory for me.  Don’t think there’s ever been a case like it, in fact.  Anywhere.  Only you, Nosey, only YOU – could get into a situation where you’re accused of destroying DNA!  And don’t you talk to anybody till I get back, you hear me? 

Nosey: But if the telephone should ring, it might be an adoring fan! C’mon, Gail, allow me to talk to them! 

Gail:  I’m serious, Nosey.  Don’t talk to anybody. 

(Gail exits room – shaking head and muttering to herself:  “Any other reporter, it’d be a simple case of libel, but not you, Nosey, oh no!  Not you!  Destroyed DNA?!  Gimme a break!” ) 

(Voice outside door)  Pizza delivery! 

Nosey: Hello, pizza! Wonder if it’s covered with Gum Drop’s delicious coated marshmallows? (presses mouth to door). Would that happen to be a Yummy Tummy Marsh Harsh special? But, oh, wait…(snaps fingers) I’m not supposed to talk to anyone! 

 (Voice outside door)  Okay, but it’s a Supreme and it’s gettin’ cold!  Lady who ordered it said she had a special guest and wanted it delivered piping hot!  Guess I’ll just take it back to the delivery car…. 

Nosey: You can’t do that! I’ve just run a five-mile marathon and I’m starving! 

(Nosey opens door) 

O. G. Whattapayne:  Aha!!!  Got you now, you little weasel!  You’re cornered!  And you’re mine!  Now, sign right here! 

Nosey: Ack! You’re that nit-wit, lunatic, crazed attorney! What’s ya shoving that paper in my face for? If you think I’m signing payment for this pizza, Gail’s the one who ordered it! 

O.G.Whattapayne:  Don’t you worry about what it is!  It’ll save you a lotta grief in the long run!  Besides, it’s in legalize, not English, you wouldn’t understand it if I tried to explain!  Now, where’s your boss lady? 

Nosey: Boss lady? Who? No, oh no, you’ve got that all wrong. If Gander heard you…(casts nervous glance across his shoulder)  

O.G.Whattapayne:  Of course you have a boss lady!  You got a boss, I got a boss, we got to make the boss happy!  Now it’d make my boss lady happy to add your boss onto this lawsuit we’re filing, so why don’t you just tell me where she is? 

Nosey: Lawsuit? Why? For what? For ordering a lousy Supreme pizza, which by the way, this box looks like an extra small, and…(sniffs the air) it doesn’t contain one single marshmallow! You can’t sue Gail Branan for a marshmallow-less pizza! 

O.G. Whattapayne: Do you think I just fell off the last turnip truck? Don’t answer that! Pizza, my foot. No, the lawsuit is because of what you did to poor Petunia the Skunk. That’s right. Remember that rotten box of chocolates you gave her --because you were too cheap to buy the real stuff from Gum Drop Island? Well, that junk food has destroyed Petunia’s scent! Yes, instead of her own individual delicate B.O., she now emits a Twilight in Paris aroma! She’s shamed in the land of Skunkdom. You’ve caused her mental anguish and irreparable harm. So both you and your boss are liable! 

Nosey: B--b--who could know? And my boss--I mean, my real boss--wasn’t even there when Petunia hogged down those chocolates! You can’t really sue her, can you? 

O.G.Whattapayne:  Sure we can sue her!  You work for her, don’t you?  Don’t be dense!  It’s called the Doctrine of Respondeat Superior.  That’s legalize for – for – well, for of course we can sue your boss for something you did!  Now.  Where.  Is.  She???  ‘Cause I really hate having to ask somebody something twice and I’m way past that with you! 

Nosey: Believe me…(leans closer and whispers) you don’t want to meet my real boss. Gander says her initials stand for Master Ma’am. She’s --well, maybe it’d be safer if I fetched my friend who works for lawyers. She’s so smart she even knows more than they do, and--and if you persist, then I might be forced to sic her on you!   

O. G. Whattapayne:  Oh, like I’m real scared of your friend who works for lawyers!  (Bends down and gets close and personal with Nosey)  You just tell me what— 

(Door opens) 

Gail:  Hey!  Excuse me, but who the heck are you and exactly why are you in my sitting room in Flowers on the Fence Country? 

O.G. Whattapayne:  Here’s my card, lady.  And this little twerp opened the door and let me in. 

Nosey:  Hey, you said you had PIZZA!!  SUPREME, EVEN!! 

Gail:  Nosey, hush.   

Nosey: How come? 

Gail:  Nosey, hush. 

Nosey: But— 

Gail:  NOSEY!  Hush  is Southern for SHUT UP!  What part of that don’t you get?  (Silence)    Thank you.  Now, Ms. Whattapayne,I’m not acquainted with this firm.  ShutUrFace & DoWhatISay.  How charmin’!  Now, have you been talking to this gentleman without his attorney present?  Is that the manner in which your firm practices law? 

O.G. Whattapayne:  He didn’t tell me he had an attorney— 

Nosey: Whatever you have to say…(steps quickly behind Gail and peeks over her shoulder)…you can tell it to this woman right here. 

O. G. Whattapayne:  You said she was a friend who worked for lawyers, you little twerp, you didn’t tell me you had a lawyer! 

Gail:  I am a friend who works for lawyers, and I have just retained the services of an attorney you so don’t want to mess with to represent Mr. Nosey in this action – who also has a few partners you so don’t want to mess with – so we will ask you now to leave the premises and give me a call at my office during business hours so that I can set a conference for you and Mr. Nosey’s attorney to discuss this matter.  (Hands Whattapayne a card.) And somehow I doubt that it would have mattered to you had he told you he had an attorney. 

O. G. Whattapayne:  Hey!  You calling me unethical, lady?  That’s slander!  And libel!  Slanderous libel!  I could sue – 

Gail:  I didn’t call you anything at all.  But you know what they say about the shoe fittin’ and all that.  Now, if you’ll excuse us, Mr. Nosey and I have business to discuss.  (Gail opens door and gestures OGW out.) 

O. G. Whattapayne:  Okay, okay, I’m leaving!  But you haven’t heard the last of me!! 

Gail:  Of course not.  I’d never be that lucky.  By-by now, you won’t be insulted if I don’t say, ‘Y’all come back now hear’, will you?  (Door closes on departing OGW) 

Gail:  Nosey.  What part of don’t talk to anybody didn’t you get? 

Nosey: But I thought she was delivering a Yummy Tummy Marsh Harsh pizza. I couldn’t not let her in!  

Gail:  So you didn’t tell her anything.  That’s good.  Did you sign anything? 

Nosey (looking sheepish): I saw some kind of paper with a S.O.S. on it. Said ‘Save Our Scent’, and she stuffed a pen up my nose… 

Gail:  I don’t like that look, Nosey.  Don’t like it all.  Now, tell me all about it….. 

(To be Continued…..) 

Want to see more of Nosey's trials and tribulations? Stay tuned for the next installment – on the Season’s Premier of –

FEELING NOSEY?
http://feelingnosey.blogspot.com